Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
