Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
