Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
