my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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