Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
