he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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