god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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