I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I have already put on my inside pants.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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