Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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