After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
