my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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