Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
