at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
