I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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