he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
