i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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