My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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