just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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