Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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