Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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