I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
