I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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