oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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