a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
