Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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