Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
