So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
well most of my day revolves around power hour
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
