You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
