I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
