Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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