if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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