Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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