but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
