Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
