I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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