I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
