My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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