That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
