Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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