A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
