8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
