Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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