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• (661): View more from California

  I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?

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• (609): View more from New Jersey

  I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  and?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  RIP clitoris

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  Fuck 8am classes

  (330): View more from Ohio

  Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.

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• (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

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• (224): View more from Illinois

  you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney

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• (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.

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• (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  "The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"

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• (917): View more from New York City

  There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.

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• (520): View more from Arizona

  There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.

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• (859): View more from Kentucky

  I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.

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• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.

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• (206): View more from Washington

  Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.

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• (513): View more from Ohio

  I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.

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