Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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