Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Someone signed my nipple.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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