Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
