I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Ketchup is God's man juice
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
