I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
