Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
