I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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